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chertoff-shocker

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From the Borowitz Report:
CHERTOFF LOCKS HIMSELF OUT OF HOMELAND SECURITY HEADQUARTERS
Forgets Security Code, Secret Question

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff suffered another embarrassment today when he accidentally locked himself out of the Homeland Security Department’s headquarters in Washington, D.C.

After security guards entrusted with protecting the Homeland Security building complained that the building itself was not secure, Secretary Chertoff ordered that the headquarters be outfitted with a new security system, but then forgot the security code necessary to gain entry.

“Unfortunately, Chertoff is the only one who knew the security code, and he forgot it,” one source said. “He also had a secret question which could be used to retrieve the security code, but he forgot that, too.”

As of late this afternoon, Mr. Chertoff was still standing outside the building waiting to gain entry after a locksmith who was called turned out to be from Dubai and had to be sent away.

Mr. Chertoff also declined Vice President Dick Cheney’s offer to shoot off the lock on the building for fear that Mr. Cheney might hit the Department of Agriculture building across the street.

On Capitol Hill, news that the nation’s highest ranking homeland security official had locked himself out of his own building drew criticism from Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del): “Michael Chertoff’s secret question should be, ‘How the hell did I get this job?’”

For his part, Mr. Chertoff tried to put the best face on the situation, telling the reporters that the nation “might actually be safer” with him outside the Department of Homeland Security than inside.

Elsewhere, President Bush scrapped plans to send Americans to Mars after NASA’s Mars probe failed to find signs of oil.

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